Lily Cramer

Life, Love & Health | Ways to embrace self-improvement and increase life learning.

Relationship advice: Friendzone phobia> What’s next?

Lost Anonymous: I like my best friend and I told her last night but I don’t think she feels the same way. Do you think I am in the friendzone?

First of all, congratulations on getting the guts to confess to your best friend – So many people keep friendzoning themselves in the fear of striking out but – if you never shoot, you will always miss. Let us try and get you out of the friendzone!

The display of bravery, as always, does come with a few associated risks. If you want to be more than just friends, there are three main options in the road ahead. The options are: become more than friends, remain friends and become less than friends.

You are not alone – In fact, this is the theme for many romantic comedies!

Noticing your friend in a new light is something that isn’t that rare. Many people first discard the idea of being romantically involved with that person for whatever reason, to find themselves fascinated by the personality and suddenly attracted to their best friend.

Think: My Best Friend’s Wedding, Something Borrowed, Just Friends, He’s Just Not That Into You. If you are not into romantic movies, you probably haven’t watched them. My point is – this has happened mucho before. In the series Friends, Chandler gets the beautiful girl he has been friends with for ages, in My Best Friend’s Wedding Julia Robert’s character finds herself losing the best friend of her dreams to another and in Something Borrowed the main character (whose name I do not know) ends up having a side dish or two with her best friend’s hot dog. Basically, every scenario you can think of has had a movie made about it.

But once you have realized your best friend makes you feel special in your bits and places, it is time to question everything. Have you known you have liked her a long time? Is she sexually attracted to your gender? I think you should give her some breathing space to think – might be a confusing time. All that aside, those three afore mentioned outcomes are the main options you will encounter.

1. Become more than friends

The scenario we hope for in most of these cases. That unrequited love is actually not that unrequited at all. Queue fireworks and love doves. It is not easy to suddenly be a couple with someone you are used to being friends with. The movies make it look like the most natural thing you could’ve ever done, like “Yea! We’ve been friends for tens of years but hey let’s just kiss and it will go naturally.” I have yet to ever hear of that truly happening.

Once I had a huge crush on my friend whilst I was in a relationship with someone else (yes, that is really bad – I know) for more than a year. When I became single, we went on a few dates and it felt good but it was difficult to transcend to the next level. Might also be because I am weird and need to fall in love before I can be intimate with someone.

When you have found out that you are both interested, it may be best to take it slowly. You know each other well so you might have a slightly fraternally flavoured bond. It can take a while to break that OR perhaps it helps to just dive in. A lot of shows show good friends/best friends get intoxicated and hooking up to make them realize that they like one another. That’s not real life.

In my situation, I am nowadays (if anything) on the other side. When I decide to be friends and do not pursue flirtation, I don’t feel enough passionate fire for that person and doubt the longevity of a relationship. That is because, during middle school, I got friend zoned plenty. Crush after crush and nada. Sometimes they would like my best friend, c’est la vie I suppose. So at one point I decided to just voice it when I like someone instead of living in some limbo like I used to. I am glad you did the same. Life is too short to promise your heart to someone who doesn’t even know they had your heart and once they do, they don’t know what to do with it.

In case this occurs:

Lots of communication, take it at your desired pace & have fun 😉

2. Remain friends

Friendzone. Ah, this one is quite uncommon all together. This requires the person who was in love to be able to get over their love and make peace with the fact that they will not get together. It can happen. But it is difficult. Usually it becomes a make or break situation instead of a midway. I guess I have less to say about this since it is quite straightforward. In these cases, usually the moment one has gotten a relationship, the “friend” is out of the picture. Not just a little, but a complete bye bye.

If you are in mutual circles, it might be important to be able to be civil together. So if you have agreed to “just” be friends and actually follow through, be prepared to be civil around one another. If you feel yourself getting jealous around them when they flirt with others or have a relationship, that isn’t the best sign. If you want to know whether you are over them, have a look at the Five sign of heartbreak/heartache article.

In case this occurs:

Try to be at peace with it and see if you are alright with being friends. A great sign is to see whether you are indifferent to them and their actions.

3. Become less than friends

If she finds out she wants to explore it that is wonderful! If she prefers to stay friends, you need to consider if that is enough for you. Can you keep going this way or do you need to close the chapter for your own peace of mind?

The problem is that when you come to this fork in the road, it seems close to impossible to remain friends. Some people just want them as a lover and discard the possibility of being friends. Make or break, yes or no. You might have to deal with the possibility of feeling this and if you do, then you have to follow through with how you feel. If you can’t handle it, please (I beg of you) do not agree to the being “just” friends. Don’t make you life mission impossible.

Love is like finding a key to your lock. If you spend too much time trying to fit the wrong key, you will miss out on the keys walking by. I ensure you, it will be difficult. That is why you need to take some steps into getting over them and finding peace.

In case this occurs:

Sucks, but shit happens. Better face it and just be happy that you got it solved soon than later. Don’t regret showing your feelings, otherwise you would have been struggling with it for longer and become more attached.

In conclusion:

I hope it works out for you! If it doesn’t you will find someone else to fall in love with.

 

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© 2018 Lily Cramer