After being on the receiving end of “It isn’t healthy to be single for that long!”, “You need a boyfriend”, “You are lonely because you need a person to share your life”, “I don’t want to talk about your education/career, how is your love life?”, and “Who are you dating now?”, I am ready to put this mindset to bed.
Contrary to popular belief, not everyone’s happiness is defined by having a partner in life. Some people are genuinely happy being by themselves and not continuously being on the prowl. Yes, I have had dates, some better than others – but that isn’t something that I choose to focus on for the time being. I see it as an extracurricular activity more than a core goal. Whatever happens, happens.
If I say that, I often get the response “Ah, don’t worry, it’ll happen when you least expect it!”. I can assure you, I am not troubled or worried about the situation. In fact, I am enjoying it. As for ‘the’ relationship, it is not something I am looking for at the moment because I am more than happy to keep it to going on dates. Life is constantly changing and evolving, and so are we. I am actually slightly intimidated by the idea of tying myself to one person eternally. I don’t think I am ready to ‘settle’ and become grounded to one location. As a twenty-four year old, I think the success rate of finding a worthy soulmate or partner for forever more will be slim. So why fixate on this?
*Yes, I realize I am slightly fixating on it by writing this article but I need to relieve myself of the endless conversations my friends want to have about me finding someone. I am actually doing something much more important*
When I admit to not looking for a relationship or needing someone, the first response shall be along the lines of: “Oh, that has to be because you haven’t met the right person.” As if I am putting on a brave front to cover loneliness. Do not mistake some necessary solitude to self reflect as loneliness.
I have been trying to make others happy first since I was nine and in relationships since I was fifteen. After all this time of putting other people first and believing that only their happiness would lead to my happiness, I decide to turn inwards and find the answers to my questions from myself. Learning to find joy from within is something so raw and divine, I wouldn’t deny the journey to anyone.
I notice I am in midst of a large number of couples, some happier than others. It seems that a lot of people take the “You’re Nobody till Somebody Loves You” lyrics to heart and insist that a romantic relationship is a must-have in this season. This season being every season in life. Why is there a rush to commit – Is it coming from a place of hormones or a place of fear?
You’re Nobody Until YOU Love You
Yes, this is going to sound incredibly cliche and common in regards to advice. When you are looking for someone to complete yourself, it would be near to impossible to complete yourself. Why? Seeking someone to fill the void and be your other half, that suggests you aren’t complete on your own!
Life is filled with great unknowns. People spend all their life trying to figure out who they are. It is easier to rely on other people or other people’s opinions instead of learning to love yourself. A partner can function as a safety blanket for all the uncertainty we are presented with during our self defining phase.
I can assure you that defining yourself and figuring out what makes you beautiful and amazing isn’t an easy feat. It depends on how you were raised, your friends and numerous other factors that you cannot predict and have trouble influencing. I am not sure who I am yet after many years of introspection.
Your longest relationship
We are born alone and we die alone in this body, nobody does that with us. That may sound grim, yet I am trying to illustrate that you are your longest relationship. Tend to that relationship first as you will need to live with yourself for as long as you live. This takes time, introspection and embracing who we currently are and who we can become.
We are known for being our own worst critic, so I believe the hardest we can do is to love ourselves and embrace all of it. No more relying on the what if’s and new year resolutions, don’t aspire to change – make it. If you do not like the way you see yourself, you can either change what you do or how you see yourself. The biggest changes in our lives are the small adjustments we make to our current behaviour, as it is more likely to stick than something completely new.
Wanting change is good but constantly kicking yourself down will only bring you to an unhappy place. In the modern day and age, many of us feel as though we can be anything we want and do everything we want. Now, who would I be to deny the amazing power of will, determination and motivation? I don’t deny that someone can establish amazing results if they put their head to it, I have witnessed it many times. Be critical and ambitious, passionate with a touch of a realistic mindset. Don’t limit your dreams, but try not to scoop them up all at once.
Allow yourself to evolve, a lot of people focus on the external change rather than strengthening the inner core.
Once you have the beauty on the inside and feel complete, love will add to the mix. Relationships and partnerships are additions to you whole, they shouldn’t make you whole. Your longest relationship will always be with yourself, never lose sight of it and don’t neglect it. You have to live with yourself and you have to let yourself be happy. I know that giving can make us feel really good about ourselves, therefore also give to yourself. It is so strange when people say “this is my other half” because, although it is meant positively, it suggests that you can’t be complete or on your own. To quote a certain Samantha from the Sex and the City movie: “I’m gonna say the one thing you aren’t supposed to say. I love you… but I love me more. I’ve been in a relationship with myself for 49 years and that’s the one I need to work on.”
Once we discard ourselves from development, we miss out on opportunities. I have a habit of putting myself last once I am taking care of others and, sometimes, we need to assess our priorities with the focus on ourselves. Love thyself 😉
Someday.. Somewhere over the rainbow
Not everybody wants to settle down, get on the baby train or find ‘the one’ at every single moment or at all. I know that many of us end up going down this road eventually yet it isn’t the dream for everyone.
On How I Met Your Mother, Robin shared her perspective with Ted during a friend’s wedding. She suggested any relationship requires two essential ingredients: “chemistry” (compatibility & similar ideals), and “timing” (basically, whether people meet each other at the right place, right time and whether they are ready)
Once you think back to those ones that got away, or the ones that were perfect for you although you couldn’t figure out why you couldn’t just be attracted to them, or that great person you met at the wrong time because one of you was leaving /weren’t ready for the commitment – those are the situations which lack in chemistry or timing. Most people will experience it at one time or the other. In my case, I question the timing at the moment.
I call this post a happy whirlwind because that is who I am. I am like a balloon filled with helium, floating around above this Earth, surrounded by my own element. I am not ‘waiting’ for someone to catch my ribbon because right now, I am afloat – not yet sure where I want to land. Where shall I float? I don’t know. If I someday get caught by someone worth getting grounded for, then I might find myself alright with that. That would be a serendipitous event, possible, yet serendipitous due to my unknown future.
When I find the right person, we will complement one another. We will make each other feel giddy like children, love and lust drunk like teens and in the desire to grow up a little too in order to become a team. We will have the perfect balance of relaxing one another and motivate one another at the same time to grow and develop. A real team and evolve together, realizing the importance of growth and self development. As you see, I believe in hopeless romance but I am not incomplete. Maybe I will find the right person in a month, a year, or a decade. Regardless, it is not something I am worried whilst learning to dance.
As Jenna states in the Awkward season 3 finale when who she wanted to be:
“I had been struggling to think of what to say, so I stopped thinking. I was convinced I didn’t know who I wanted to be and then I realized the answer was all around me. I want to be someone who’s willing to forgive. I want to be someone who cares more about other people than themselves. I want to be someone who can tell it like it is. I want to be someone who would give up everything for the right reasons. I want to be someone who sees the good in everyone. I want to be someone who is a true friend. I want to be someone who always tries to be a better person, and someone who learns from his mistakes. I want to be someone who encompasses all those things so I can finally be that girl who doesn’t need a boy to be happy because I’ll know how to dance all on my own.”
I hope you figure out how to dance on your own before you embrace a dance involving more than just the one.
Do you want to look at the methods to improve yourself, love yourself and improve your dating chances? Have a look at my articles below:
- Be happy…
- How to be sexy