It’s the first time I’m in a real relationship with a girl, but we have so many problems because her ex as well as that she has been sleeping around so much with people I see every day. It makes me upset and uncomfortable. What should I do? – Confused Anonymous
Are you worried that the past will haunt you in the way that she has been promiscuous and will be again or more the uncomfortable notion that those have been and touched what is now yours to touch?
Either way, it is essential that you communicate with your lover. Communication is the most vital aspect of any lasting relationship. What do you both want out of a relationship? What do you both need? If you are worried she will wander, you urgently need to address your trust. What would make you have trust and faith in her and vice versa? Can you find a way that you both feel comfortable and not worried.
Do you think you will be happy with her if these worries plague your mind? I think you need to let either let go of her or let go of these worries if you want to move forward. That probably will not magically happen overnight, but if you begin to talk about it from an open and loving place, she should be willing to listen.
It is important not to raise your voice or start with “you do this and you do that – how do you think that would make me feel?? Do you still love your ex or something? Am I not good enough?” because it is a very aggressive manner to say what you are aiming for, which is: “When I hear about your ex and how you interact regularly, it hurts my feelings and makes me feel uncomfortable. I would really appreciate if we could talk about it to see if we can together find a point we are both happy with the current situation because I truly like/love you and want to make this work.”
Now, I don’t know how you and your girlfriend currently interact, but I know in the face of conflict, many people get aggressive which causes the other person to get defensive and leads the conversation to an unnecessary full blown argument. It isn’t necessary and it is causing harm to your foundation as a couple.
Avoid arguments and try to focus on having open and honest discussions instead. Most people cannot grow when they are busy defending their opinions, it is difficult to create change. When someone is victimizing themselves, they will not change because they are blaming the world instead.
Assess what you want out of your relationship. Can you have the ideal situation you have moulded in your mind? Do you feel she is worth the inner turmoil? If you do, then do everything within your power to make it work. If you do not, I am sure there are plenty of wonderful people who do want someone like you. I can tell based on your question that you are more picky with lovers and cherish that virtue more which is admirable. I suppose it is either start the open communication or consider moving on.